Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

The other day I biked to Tim Horton's with Sami. Right before we left my mom called and asked me to pick up a carton of 1 percent milk, so Sami and I biked across the street to Giant Tiger. I grabbed a carton of 2 percent milk and went to pay for it. I asked for a bag, so I could hang it off my bike handles.

Before we left, I noticed a small tear in the bag, but I thought nothing of it. We left the store and started biking home.

Suddenly, the entire bottom of the bag broke open, and the milk dropped underneath my bike. Before I could stop, I ran over the carton and it exploded all over the sidewalk!

Sami laughed and whipped out her phone to take pictures, acting like it was a crime scene.

I started yelling and decided that the milk wouldn't win. I had to go back. I stormed back into Giant Tiger, grabbed another carton of 2 percent milk and went to pay for it. I ignored the look the cashier gave me, Knowing I looked crazy. I'd just bought two cartons of milk in five minutes.

After I payed, I went outside and wrapped the bag around my handlebars, making sure the bag was free of holes. We were halfway home when the bag started ripping. We started biking faster, hoping to make it home before the bag ripped open.

Going faster only made the bag bounce around and rip faster. I thought that it was safe. I only had to round the corner and go down the hill, then I'd be home. I stopped watching the bag.

I could almost see my house when, to my horror, the bag split open and the milk carton fell to the ground with a thud! I quickly swerved out of the way, just barely missing the carton. I stopped and gently picked it up, making sure it wasn't broken. Relieved, I picked it up and biked home.

I knocked on the front door and proudly displayed the undamaged milk carton.

My mom looked at it and said "Thanks, but I wanted one percent..."

A real Kodiak Moment

During spring break my mom, my sister and I went out to see my niece and her family. On the last night of our visit Daniel (my nieces uncle, and probably the funniest, most irritating person I've ever met) and his mom sat at the table with us and we talked for awhile. Somehow we got onto the subject of babies and I said that I didn't understand why people thought newborn babies were so cute.

Daniel told me to go look at a bay picture on the wall and then tell him newborns weren't cute, so I got up and looked. I had to admit, the baby was pretty cute. Daniel said that it was a real Kodiak moment picture.

He then went on to say that when he heard 'Kodiak Moment' he didn't think of a picture perfect moment. He thought of a huge Kodiak Bear chasing some screaming campers through the woods, trying to eat their faces.

It was only after I agreed with him that my mom told us it was a 'Kodak moment' not a 'Kodiak moment'.

But what if I want to be a dinosaur?

The other night my mom was trying to have a serious conversation with me about my chronic boredom. She told me that I had to stop putting walls up for myself and saying "I can't". She also said that I had the potential to be anything I wanted to be, so I asked her if I could be a dinosaur. She told me that I could not be a dinosaur.

My dreams have been crushed.

Crazy, Stubborn Child

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the living room with my mom- her on the phone with my Auntie Penni and me on the computer- when my sister comes home. She has been told a million times to go to the backdoor, but every day she comes to the front anyway.

This day, we didn't want to let her in. When she started knocking on the door we tried to be as quiet as possible. Of course, the dog started running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, barking at the door. After a few minutes of this, Sister started banging on the door, making the dog bark even louder. We still didn't let her in.

 Suddenly, the banging stopped. I slowly got up and peeked around the corner, hoping she had given up and gone to the back. But no. She was still there, just taking a break. Soon she started up again, but this time she was ringing the doorbell. over and over and over again. Me and my mom started laughing, and Sister began screaming at us to let her in. This just made my mom and I laugh harder.

Sister was starting to get very angry. Hearing our laughter, she screamed "I'm not an idiot!! I can hear you in there! Let. me. in!"

To which we replied, "If you aren't stupid, why are you still there? We're not letting you in!". This made her really mad. She started screaming again, and threatened to 'kick down the door.'

Then, my mom yells "Oh, and by the way, You're late, so you're grounded." She was kidding, of course, but Sister thought she was serious and started screaming more. and when I say screaming, I mean she was screaming like it was the end of the world!

I had to leave, so I went out the back door and ran around front. when I was at a safe distance I said, "Y'know, if you'd just go to the back you would be inside by now! We're never letting you in!"

She screamed "I'm not going to the back!" and continued banging on the door.

I had hoped that when I got home she'd still be tying to get in, but my Aunt duped my mom into letting her in. She said she wanted to talk to Sister. When my mom opened the door to give her the phone, Sister  ran inside before she could shut the door again.

She was out there fifteen minutes, at least. I don't understand why the kid didn't just go to the back door.

Killer Bugs

Last night I was sitting on my bed when my Noisy cat started meowing. She's part Siamese, so it's a really loud meow. She's does this every night, so I tried to block it out. Finally I decided to check out what she was meowing at [and trying to eat]. From the half-lit basement hallway, what she was staring at looked like a wood chip or dustbunny. Before picking it up I decided to get a better look at it - Just in case.

I turned on my bedroom light and, to my horror, the "Wood Chip" darted across the floor! I bent down for a better look at it and found out that there was a big, ugly, hairy Centipede in my room!

I started screaming for my dad to come downstairs and kill the bug [I didn't want to leave it, because last time there was a bug and I took my eyes off of it, it disappeared].  My dad wasn't too happy to be woken up at 11 O'Clock at night, but he came down to get the bug.

After he flushed it down the toilet I went to bed, feeling all safe and secure, when I realized - If there was one bug, who's to say there wasn't more?!

I spent the next hour imagining all the horrible things the other centipedes would do to me for killing their centipede brother.

If my mouth was open, I'd swallow them in my sleep. If my mouth was shut, they'd crawl up my nose. I couldn't get out of bed because if I did I might step on one. If I hid under the blanket, they might be under there.

Every little tickle and itch became a centipede, reaping revenge for their fallen comrade

My basement room could be filled with the creepy-crawlers. Behind the bookcase, under the baseboards, behind the dresser, in the closet, under the bed....  

I'm doomed.

Deer don't eat hay.

While me and my friend Sami were eating at the mall Sami told me that her dad wanted to start feeding hay to the deer that live near their house. Then she asked me, "Do deer eat hay?"

Me: yeah.


Sami: No! Where would they get hay!


Me: People feed it to them.

Sami: What if there are no people?!

Me: Then they eat grass.

Sami: What if it just snowed?

Me: then they dig down for the grass.

Sami: There's ten feet of snow. 

Me: Then they eat tree bark.

Sami: But there's no trees.

Me: Then your deer starves to death, and also it suffocates because it's under ten feet of snow.

Sami: but it's a MAGICAL deer and it saw that ten feet of snow was falling all at once, so it jumped up thirty feet, and then it gently floated down and got it's feet a little stuck in the snow. But it got it's feet out.

Me: The deer is still going to starve to death.

Sami: Then the sun comes out, and it starts raining hay, so the deer eats the hay, but it chokes to death.

And that's why deer don't eat hay.

Wednesday

My friend Saabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzmi [pronounced SAMMEE - the alphabet is silent] decided one day that Wednesday's were very scary.

When we asked her why she responded with "Wed-nes-day. Silent letters!"


I can't believe that I went fourteen years without realizing how horrifying those silent letters really are. Wednesday's will never be the same again.

Microwaveable macaroni

When I was in grade seven I started going home for lunch. My lunches normally consisted of microwavable Kraft Dinner and a couple of granola bars.

One day during winter, I went home and put my Kraft Dinner in the microwave. I set the timer for 3 minutes and 30 seconds and went on the computer in the living room. When I heard the timer go off I waited for a few minutes before finally getting up and walking into the kitchen.

I started walking toward the microwave when I started smelling something funny. I looked toward the door and saw a cloud of smoke. My mind immediately went into 'Panic Mode'. I tried to think of any possible explanations for the smoke and the burnt-Styrofoam smell. The only explanation that came to me was "It must be some kind of knockout gas! Then they'll come in and finish me off!"


Before I could go into a full panic about a crazy killer gassing me, I realized how ridiculous it was. I pushed the idea away and  called my mom at work, since I still didn't know where the smoke was coming from. My mom was going to call the fire department, but decided to get my dad to check it out first.

Soon, the smell became unbearable. I went outside to wait for my dad. He was a little irritated and panic-y, but not very. I tend to over-exaggerate, so I don't think he expected much. He went inside and looked around a bit, trying to find the source of the smoke and the smell. He was leaving the kitchen when the microwave buzzed.

"what was that?" He asked. I responded, "Oh, it's just the microwave..." Only then did I realize where the smoke must have been coming from.

My dad opened the microwave door to reveal a Styrofoam bowl filled with macaroni that had been burned so badly it was black. I had forgotten to add the water.

and that's why I don't eat microwavable KD anymore.

I'm a Trash Can Whisperer :o

Today at lunch my friends and I were eating in our usual spots on the platform above the stairs; Me by the garbage can in the corner, Elise and Sam by the trash can on the other wall. Near the end of our lunch hour, something started making a clanging noise. I was sitting right next to the garbage can, when this clanging started. My immediate thought was "Oh no! Someone's trying to bash through the wall!" but I realized how silly that sounded. My second thought was "Oh, the heater/air conditioner must be malfunctioning!" but I knew what the logical explanation really was. Obviously, this trash can was angry at me.

I quickly stood up and walked over to hide behind Sam. I did not want to be eaten by an angry garbage can. Suddenly an idea came to me. What if the trash can was hungry? I desperately looked around for something to feed it. My eyes fell on an apple someone had left on the platform after they had dropped it (and then kicked around >.<). I cautiously picked the apple up and tossed it into the trash can. One more clang, and then... silence. I threw the small remainder of my cheese stick into the bucket, just to be safe.

I always suspected it, but now it is confirmed. I am a trash can whisperer.

Car Stickers !

You know those stickers that you can buy to stick to your car windows? The ones shaped like people or pets that are supposed to show your family?

Today on my way to my hair appointment we saw a van with those stickers on its back window. They looked something like this:

And then my mom and I had a conversation that went something like this:

mom; Aw, It's a kid in a stroller!

me; oh, cool...

mom; Or maybe it's a kid on crutches! 

me; um, okay...?

mom; They just want us to feel sorry for them because their child is on crutches!

me; I'm pretty sure it's just a stroller...

mom; Or maybe the kid's going skiing! 

me; Then why is only one kid going skiing?

mom; They must be favoring their crippled child! 

me; ... mom, it's just a sticker...

mom; I still think they're trying to make us feel sorry for that poor kid on crutches.

me; Why would they even make a sticker for a kid on crutches?

mom; ...

me; I'm pretty sure it's just a stroller, mom.

and then my mom just laughed. By then we were at the hair salon, so I just let it go xD

Do you like Green Eggs and Ham?

You know that one book that makes you think that all other books aren't worth your time because it's just so good?

I recently read a book like that. You may have heard of it, Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss? I first read it when I was younger, but back then I couldn't quite grasp the genius behind it.

I love this book. The plot is so complex, and the characters are completely realistic. I mean, Sam I am? Genius. It's such a detailed story, and the book is just full of suspense. Will he ever eat the green eggs and ham? It keeps you at the edge of your seat until the very end!

Best. Book. Ever!

xD ^Okay, so maybe that's not completely true, but it's still amazing^

My dad is crazy!

XD so I'm sitting here minding my own business watching some cop show with my dad and mom, and my dad starts yelling about how 'OMG These cops are so stupid!!! They should've blablahblah!!!'

His face is beat red, and he looks like he's about to start foaming at the mouth xD My mom tried to tell him that it's just a show, but he ignored her, going on about how 'OMG this cop needs to be fired!! He's a horrible cop!!'

My grandparents called and my dad started telling them about how the cops in this show suck.

He does this with every show, even simple things like Spongebob. When he watches movies he's always ranting about how 'pfft! Like that would ever happen!! *cue Rainbow unicorns* It's SOO unrealistic! :/"

I'm thinking he might get a little too into television shows xD
My dad also saw a commercial for a Disney show called Pair of Kings, and his jaw dropped. He looked like it was some amazing, life-changing phenomenon.